My Abstract Lips

Unemployment Insurance

For any Senators and Representatives who think that the extension of unemployment benefits will prevent people from looking for work, perhaps they should be unemployed without benefits, without pensions, and certainly no healthcare.  As they say, it's a matter of principle.  And we all know how principled politicians are.

Impressionism

Bridezilla

Do these brides really exist or are they creations of TV?  Normally the program begins with the bride showing her bridesmaids and mother making the favors that they will give to the honored guests.  The favors that they are working on are plastic shot glasses decorated with glued-on glitter, a magenta dyed ostrich feather, a plastic flower, and a temporary tattoo.  The bride is scolding her wedding party for being two hours late when they all knew what time they were supposed to be there and also knew how busy she is.  She is unaware that the majority of her bridesmaids and her mother and sisters have never learned to read time.  The bride is beautifully dressed - in shorts, a mens tshirt from Old Navy that is emblazoned with a design warning you to stay away from women like her, a rhinestone tiara from the Party Store, and a small white veil because she is modest.  She is not wearing shoes at the moment, but we can see that her toenails have been done each in a different color.  They are a bit short but she has not chewed them in weeks.  She screams at the groom, with whom she has been living for 6 years, to change his clothes as there is no way she is going to be seen with a slob like that (this man is obviously an escapee from a mental home or a prison or both).  Tiring of decorating the shot glasses, our bride orders the bridesmaids to get into their dresses.  Next we see six ugly women squeezed into horrid lavender satin dresses with orange belts.  The bride picked the dresses.  The bride who needs to get on a livestock scale in order to be weighed, yells at the bridesmaids that they have all gained too much weight to fit into their lovely creations.  Luckily she has missed the fact that bridesmaid #2 has smeared her dress with oil stains from the 3 lbs of popcorn that she ate (or was it the oil change she just did on the bride's jeep?).  But to be honest the bride is very happy with the new sneakers that the bridesmaids will wear at the wedding because they are all the same shade of brown and our bride likes matchy-matchy. 
Next morning we see the bride in her truck driving to the mall.  She is on her rhinestone-studded cell phone telling someone not to dare show up at her wedding or she will have them arrested for trespassing (I didn't even know that welfare paid for cell phones).  She runs into the Penney's, tries on her $79 wedding gown, notices that it has a dark coffee stain (much like her tooth) and tells the alteration department that if they don't fix it by tomorrow when she is getting married, she will beat the crap out of them and any customers that might be in the store.  Then she runs next door to the $5 Fluff and Dry to get her mullet trimmed for the wedding.  Apparently the groom, his mother, all the bridesmaids, and the mother of the bride go there too as they all sport the same mullet.
Finally it's the day of the wedding.  We see the bride running into the VFW post that she has rented for the wedding.  She is followed by her mother who is carrying the gown and dragging it on the ground and through a muddy puddle.  The bride screams at her mother to watch it.  "This is my day," she says, "it's all about me and you're just jealous like always."  "To hell with you," the mother replies, "I'm not going to your damn wedding, it's the 7th one anyway."  One of the bouncers that the bride has hired to keep unwanted riff-raff out of the wedding tackles the mother, throws her to the ground and kicks her in the head.  The bride then tells her unconscious bleeding mother, "Get the hell outta here, I never wanted you here anyway."  She rushes, breathless, into the venue.
In the final scene, we see the happy couple, and the minister, still in his robes as an Imperial Wizard of the Klan.  "Go," he tells them, "and may the love, grace, and mercy of Christ always be with you."

Two Hearts

What to do when cheese goes bad

Did you notice some cheese in your fridge going bad?  A colorful spot of mold, fluffy even?  Then here is the solution to your problem.  Take a sharp knife (utilizing utmost care not to hurt yourself - and kids should not do this) and cut off and discard the bad part.  Then throw the remainder away.

The Natural Look

Platinum Weddings

I think there is something obscene about people willing to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a wedding when so many are without enough food, clean water, decent shelter and clothing, healthcare, legal employment, etc.  My mind is boggled to see this program where the bride and groom are brought to the wedding venue on the back of an elephant, or in a coach like the one that Cinderella used to go to the prince's ball.  Thousands are spent on the flowers, and the centerpieces are even more.  Special lighting befitting Disney or a Broadway spectacular are added to the venue for a few hours.  The wedding dress costs $20,000 or more, jewelry for the bride and groom can cost a quarter of a million and up, fireworks launched (maybe this serves the groom's need for Viagra).  Linens for the tables must be new and will never be used again.  Orchestras and famous singers entertain.  The rehearsal dinner can cost in excess of $50,000.  On and on it goes, budgets reach half a million at least, I am thoroughly nauseated.  What a pity that obscene amounts of money don't seem to buy taste.  Couldn't they just save all this and donate instead to a worthwhile charity?  Why doesn't the happy couple just get a couple of paper bags from a supermarket and cover their faces?  It would be so much more appropriate.

Mountains

Cedar Tree Stump

Flowers in the Sky

It's Free! Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling

Did you ever see those ads on TV for some loathesome product available at a ridiculous price for crap that say "But wait, order in the next 15 minutes and we'll double your order, just pay separate shipping and handling?"  Order in the next 15 minutes?  Some of the ads have run for years.  And still the offers miraculously remain. "Order now and we'll send you a free can-opener, a free ointment to get rid of your wrinkles, a free bottle of deodorant for wherever, a free can of furniture polish, and our new socks or hose that flatter your feet while you wear them for absolutely nothing.  Well, nothing in the world is free.  Even if they tell you that you are getting $199 worth of merchandise for free, very generous they are.  Tell ya what, ad people, just send me the free stuff, keep the other crap for yourself.

Pier

Swept Under the Rug

I have a friend, someone who owns a small business that has a few employees, who always ignores problems and confrontations because, he says, he is "not good" at it.  If some of his employees get "into it," as is almost inevitable eventually where people are stressed, work long hours, are tired, irritated, warm, in each other's company in a small space together for years, even if they scream at each other right across his head, he ignores it.  Pretends it isn't happening, pretends he can't hear it.  To my way of thinking, this simply isn't right.  No one is "good" at it, but problems never die of old age nor neglect.  They fester, ignored they multiply.  Problems swept under the rug do not go away because one doesn't see them.  They build up to make a lumpy rug and, sooner or later, one trips over the lumps.  Everyone has problems.  Distasteful as it might be, one must confront them and deal with them, I know of no other way to make them go away.

That Car Sign

This car sign is 5 inches X 5 inches,vinyl and with a suction cup, and can be delivered postage prepaid to your U.S. address for $17.95 in approximately 3 weeks from the time you order.  Shipping to other countries can be done and quoted.  Payment by Paypal.

Norman Rockwell's View of America

Personally, I love the works of Norman Rockwell.  I think his views of America, especially the works produced on the covers of the Saturday Evening Post helped to lift the spirits of Americans in some of the gloomiest and darkest moments.  I am sorry that more museums and curators do not seem to appreciate what a master he was.  But I am driven to ponder why Americans seek to re-create Rockwell's view of the country and its people (what Bush called "homeland"- super yuck, projectile vomiting).  Rockwell staged poses of New England Americans in the last century.  I don't know if his images ever really existed outside of his mind (for most of them, I doubt it) but in any event they are not the America of today.  Why can't we have images of America and Americans as they exist, in reality, today?  I want to see images of the day.  I want to see the reality of the day, beautiful or ugly, whatever, it doesn't matter to me if it is the truth.  I want to see the abstractions too, that Americans of today create.  Honor the past, yes absolutely, eagerly anticipate the future, but by all means acknowledge today.

Clouds

Water's Edge

Legendary Tomato On Board

Back in the mid-1980's, drivers started putting those suction-cup-held yellow caution signs in their cars, especially those that said "Baby On Board."  From there, there were bunches of spin-off caution signs displayed in cars, things like "Mother-In-Law On Board," "Old Fart On Board," "Labrador Retriever On Board," "Persian Cat On Board," "Bored on Board," etc.  They really made me sick, but finally, like all fads, they thankfully faded away.  Lately however, the "Baby On Board," sign has made a reappearance, a resurgence in fact.  It didn't make sense to me back in the '80's and it doesn't make sense to me now.  What does it mean?  Drive cautiously because a baby is on board?  I am all in favor of babies, love 'em in fact, but shouldn't we always exercise caution when driving no matter who is on board?  If we put "Baby On Board" on a caution sign inside of a car does that mean if there is no baby or no sign, it is okay to drive like a nut?  No baby here, go ahead and crash into me?  No baby, ok to exceed the speed limit?  No baby, go through stop signs and red lights?  No baby, no insurance?  No baby, pedestrian beware?  It didn't make sense back then and doesn't make sense now.  I think when getting behind the wheel you must always use caution, obey the law, have respect for the vehicle you are driving and what it is capable of doing.
Unless, of course, you spot a caution sign in a car that says, "Legendary Tomato On Board," then drive even more carefully.  Hmmm, I have an idea.

Boardwalk

Tulip

Politicians

I am beginning to wonder if "politician" is the definition of unprincipled liar.  A few weeks ago, on a Sunday, I was watching a pair of politicians discuss their "viewpoints" on the Elena Kagan nomination to be a Justice on the Supreme Court of the United States of America.  One of these "gentlemen" was in favor of the nomination, the other opposed.  After each had his say, the reporter correctly stated that each of them said exactly the opposite of what they were now saying, when another President from another party nominated someone else to the Court.  Whatever happened to principles?  Shouldn't politicians vote their actual consciences, assuming they have consciences?  Must they simply follow the line of their respective parties?  Money rules politics, pure and simple.  Is it patriotic to simply oppose the President and whatever he does, regardless of what it is?  If politicians just follow the line of their parties, why do we need them?  Get the viewpoints of the parties and dispose of the need for the politicians.  Dump 'em, who needs the politicians if they are a mindless lot, afraid to avow a single individual thought.  It would go a long way to reducing the deficit.  No wonder the Senate adjourned for the Holiday without extending unemployment benefits for the millions on the verge of losing them.  And they had the nerve to talk about their principles.  What principles?  Millions on the verge of losing their unemployment benefits, and these honorable "ladies and gentlemen" who have jobs paying around $175,000 and who have lifetime health benefits adjourned and went home.  Very principled.  What was it that Marie Antoinette said about cake? 

Details

Patriotism

It seems to me that patriotism involves much more than flying the flag of your nation.  Flying the flag is easy, patriotism is not always so easy as flying a flag.  It makes me laugh when I am in America to see the American flag on cars not made in America.  Don't misunderstand, I have nothing against cars made in countries other than America.  By all means, if another country's cars are made better, cost less, are more fuel efficient, etc., great, Americans should purchase and drive them.  I just don't understand why some buy these cars and then fly the American flag on them or put American flag decals on them or the like.  Purchasing, or leasing, or otherwise obtaining a car made in Japan, or in Korea, or in Germany, etc., and then putting the American flag on it, does not make that auto suddenly American nor does that flag flying make you a patriot.  If you drive a Japanese, or Korean, or German car, great, no protest from me, but why all the flags from your country?  I am not advocating flying a Japanese flag on a Japanese built auto, it is a flag all by itself.  I think if you are a patriot, you do your best to uphold the principles stated in the documents that established your nation.  In America, those principles are equality, the right to life, to liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  Separation of church and state, freedom of thought and speech, and so many more that can all be gathered under the title of  "Freedom."  Upholding those principles is much more difficult than blind flag-flying.  But, to paraphrase President Kennedy, we must choose to do those things because they are hard not because they are easy.

Wake Up Call

I SEE YOU

Tomato Helps to Electrify the Farms

Ghost Hunters

So here's my snarky synopsis of this little gem and its various TV imitators.  Very often the founding investigators are at their day jobs as Roto-Rooter plumbers when they get a call to go on an investigation.  Luckily and by sheer coincidence there are cameras and sound equipment right there when they get the calls.  They are always wrapping up their plumbing work so that they can appear at the ghost investigation office shortly.  This too is coincidental.  In spite of the TV work, which I assume is fairly lucrative, especially considering the spinoffs like  "International," and "Academy," and I also assume sales from t-shirts and magazines since they are subliminally shown always, the founders are still plumbers. Next they appear driving to the scene of their next investigation.  As they get close to the scene of their next paranormal investigation, they always ask the woman who has manned the phones at their headquarters for more information about the reports of "activity."  You mean they have driven hundreds or even thousands of miles before having all the information?  Wow.  Luckily and by concidence too, that also brings the viewers up to date on the reports.  Then they visit the creepy place,introduce themselves to the owner, say "we're here to help (help what? help themselves to a great contract to appear on cable?), listen to the reports, and set up their equipment.  One of their lead investigators is covered in tattoos, is deathly afraid of spiders, and is also afraid to fly.  Afraid of spiders but not afraid of ghosts?  Holy mackerel.  In almost every one of the creepy places there are reports of a lady dressed in white who floats down the stairs.  Except when they went to Florida to investigate a Cuban club.  They had a lady dressed in white but she was wearing red shoes.  After all she was the spirit of a Cuban lady and apparently ethnic stereotypes exist even in the next world.  The investigators use thermal imaging cameras, emf detectors, and various recording devices.  It's all quite sophisticated.  After viewing tapes of what they did, they report back to the owners of the creepy places.  They sit at a table and the heavy guy always says, "You know what we did.  We came here, listened to the reports of activity, set up our equipment..........."  It never varies.  By the way, they often come upon "cold spots," in the course of their investigations.  One of the investigators always explains that "there is a theory out there that when one of these spirits wants to manifest itself, it needs energy..." and apparently creates cold spots, drains batteries of their power, etc.  I have several questions.  What does it mean to say there is a theory out there?  Out where?  Whose theory?  If a spirit needs energy to manifest itself, and they got it, then why haven't they manifested?  Is there a theory out there on that? Anyway, back to the table where the investigators are reporting.  They always have a computer, then we see them leave the places, no computer.  What happened to the computer?  Maybe the spirits took it.  So that they could manifest themselves.  That's my theory.  The investigators always express their hope that they can get back to the creepy place one day.  They are always invited to come back, but they hardly ever do.  Then we see the lead guys back in their vans, congratulating each other on a great investigation and fist bumping.
I think any self-respecting spirit would steer far clear of this stuff.

Guppy

Restaurant

Side Effects

Have you ever noticed that a medication, any medication, has side effects?  Even common aspirin can cause bleeding, tissue erosion, is bad for people with ulcers, and God knows what else.  Now that American television allows advertising for prescription medications, apparently the ads must also disclose the possible side effects.  So we hear ads for depression medication, with the possible side effect of thoughts of suicide, not good.  Other medications with side effects like pain, swelling, blurred vision, dizziness.  Wow, why take them?  Of course, one of the most interesting side effects that they mention is swift and painful death.  That's a very grave (no pun intended) side effect indeed.  Of course, trying to look on the bright side of things, if you experience the side effect of swift and painful death, you will no longer have the symptoms that you needed to take the medication for in the first place.  And who can escape the ads for medications for erectile dysfunction?  That possible injury after a 4-hour problem sounds nasty.  Imagine having to run to an emergency room and explaining to the triage nurse this bit of problem.  Surely, she will need to see it.  Could be quite embarrassing.  And anyway if the stuff really works all that well when the moment strikes, why do we always see the couple (presumably after they have acted upon the moment) in separate bath tubs facing the ocean or a pool or another body of water?  If the medication had worked, wouldn't they be together in the same tub?  What's with those separate tubs?

Painting

Enlightenment

Combovers

I can't believe the guys with combovers think that they could possibly look good or worse yet, natural.  I have never heard or read a single word in their favor and there is a good reason for that.  And it's not just Senators and Donald Trump who have them.  It's not unusual to see your average Joe walking down the street when a wind blows up and suddenly he has six feet of hair on one side and just an inch or two on the other.  Don't these people understand that the rest of us know that hair does not part just above the ear? Some of these guys look so freaky, they look like they've combed up the hair from their armpits (or elsewhere). Surely there must be a better way of hiding from the public the fact that you are follicularly challenged.  I suppose Rogaine and minoxidil would work fine, if you can stand the expense and the maintenance.  I am glad that hair transplant procedures have progressed.  Remember what the heads looked like when it was early days for the procedure?  Those spaced-apart plugs made your head look like the head of a kewpie doll.  Not a good look.  There are all these hair replacement and hair restorations out there.  Maybe it would just be best to shave your head (you will look and feel so much better), and call it a day.

Budding Tree

Mirandized

El Tomatillo

Avatar

Ok, let's see if I have this crap straight.  A man who is paralyzed from the waste down crawls into some sort of pod-like device and through a miracle of modern science can become (through dreaming, I think) a very tall fully-ambulatory blue being who joins a band of similar blue beings (even falling in love with a girl blue).  The blue gang lives on a very strange planet where mountains float in the sky, unattached to anything below, and Tinkerbelle gods float around and grant prayers.  The main weapons of the blues (ya gotta have weapons, it's a movie). are bows and arrows.  Mankind has evolved so much in this movie that science has progressed to the point where it is possible for this transition to blue being to happen.  But mankind is still kind of primitive, attacking other beings with all sorts of super weaponry to gain control of their assets (actually I do not find this part all that far-fetched).  But the blues prevail, led, of course, by their new blue convert.  Thank Tinkerbelle.  I am wondering though, if science has progressed all this far, far enough to allow someone to crawl into a pod and become tall, blue, and handsome, why was this guy still in a wheelchair to begin with?  Why haven't they been able to just fix his paralysis?  Of course, had that happened, we wouldn't have had this wonderful movie, we wouldn't have bought all that popcorn and snacks. 
Personally, I preferred "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane."  The wheelchair was just a better actor back then.  Oh well, icky sticky doo doo (no, I'm not speaking in tongues, that's bluespeak for  "See ya later").

I-phone

I-phone, I-pad, I-don't give a crap.

Rainy Morning

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The Gathering Storm

Project Runway

Project Runway is such a great show and I'm so glad it was able to find a home on another channel willing to dig more deeply into its pockets.  In fact Tim would do better therefore to exhort the "designers" to make it with pockets instead of  "Make it work."  Why do they always take the "designers" to the local Bohack's to buy an old salami and a plastic tablecloth meant for some picnic with hotdogs and putrid salmonella-laden macaroni salad.  Oh, I almost forgot the plastic garbage bags, gotta have those.  The "designers" are then supposed to make glamorous outfits out of those salamis, checkered tablecloths, and garbage bags.  Is that  what real designers do?  Granted some of the outfits that I see in the stores do look it.  Anyway, then the "designers" are judged by people who allegedly know fashion, like the lady who escaped from Colombia with her sense of style intact, or the chubby old lady who forgot that once you take the roller out of the front of your dyed hair that something more still needed to be done to it.
And why does Heidi always end the show by kissing the loser (normally someone whose work she has just attacked), and saying "Auf wiedersehen?"  Is she really going to see them again?  And the show is American, what's with the "Auf wiedersehen?"  Shouldn't she end with English?  Something like "Ciao, baby."

Trees

Fire in the Sky

Granite Countertops

It really seems to me that the immense popularity of granite countertops in kitchens and even bathrooms is very fad-like and will disappear as quickly as it arose.  Is the rise in popularity of granite countertops and the rise of all those buy a home or improve your home shows on cable just a coincidence?  And they are so expensive.  Don't the promoters of those shows know that the rest of us are in The Great Recession?  They make it seem like if you don't have a granite countertop, your home is just crap, you will never sell it and if you buy a property (who can do that today?) without a granite countertop, you've just bought junk and totally wasted your investment, nobody will ever want it.  Remodel your kitchen and bath or die.  But besides the expense are granite countertops truly equivalent to the Second Coming?  Oh sure, many of them are truly beautiful, but they are very heavy, they require support.  Many of the homes into which they will be installed are thousands of miles from the places where the granite is quarried.  How ecological can it be to ship this heavy stone thousands of miles?  Must we all rip out our perfectly serviceable counters, often quite beautiful, to install granite?  Many people have been led to believe that they must.  And are granite countertops all that they are cracked up to be?  They are sealed, and the sealing needs to be repeated every few years.  They can scratch.  Some think they can give off radon.  They are damaged by contact with acid liquids.  Ever spill your coffee, orange juice, lemon juice, vinegar, soft drinks, vinegar, etc., on your counter?  Ever put a hot pot right down on a counter?  Granite, when subjected to direct contact with heat, can crack or chip.  Perfect repairs are unlikely.  Cleaning your granite countertop?  Avoid bleach or harsh cleansers, granite can't take them and can stain.  Yes every stone, by its nature, is unique in its appearance, but must every counter otherwise look alike?  How very boring.  What's next, stainless steel appliances?

Betta and Betta

Cooking? Take off that jewelry, yuck!

A peeve of mine is people on TV who cook, people who ought to know better, but cook with their jewelry on.  Sorry folks, that's disgusting, especially when they mix up things like meat balls, things that they need to stick their hands into, things full of salmonella, and they need to wear their rings.  Years ago, when Julia Child had her TV show, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, she came in for some just criticism for doing some things that certain viewers thought were a bit less than sanitary.  My guess is, that sensitive to that sort of criticism, Julia changed some of the things on her program, and always stressed how scrupulously clean her utensils were, her towel or apron were, etc.  Now move forward to the present day, the day when we know much more about spreading salmonella and other food-borne bacteria, and we find so many of those cooking on TV are cooking with their jewelry on.  Ladies (and gents), I don't care how clean your hands and your rings are, mixing foods and cooking with your rings on is simply foul.  Rings on your fingers capture bits of food that you are preparing, bacteria grows, and you move it to the next dish that you are working on.  I've seen it done on PBS, Food Channel, and others.  One of the ladies who does it is a professor at a culinary institute.  One of the most basic principles taught at culinary institutes is the absolute need for cleanliness and the removal of any jewelry, especially on your fingers.  Now, Paula, we know you want to show your audience your diamonds, but honeychile you're far from Elizabeth Taylor, and your diamonds don't come close.  If you feel that you must show your viewers your diamond rings, couldn't you just take them off before you cook, let the cameraman take shots of them by themselves and not on your fingers?  You could get credit for teaching your viewers something about sanitation.  Wouldn't that be nice, y'all?

Tomato Is Not Shy

Being Koi

Antiques Crapshoot

You know that old "heirloom" that your grandmother stole from an old neighbor when he was on his deathbed?  Then you took it from granny when she was crapping out (kleptomania runs in your family, doesn't it?).  Poor granny, she never even had a bucket list let alone do anything on it.  Of course, there was the time that she had planned to fly across The English Channel using one of her old pair of bloomers as a balloon.  Luckily (or unluckily depending on your point of view), it didn't work, she couldn't get enough lift.  Anyway, I've digressed away from the "objet d'art."  The one you've been carefully guarding ever since.  Well, get rid of it, it's just a dust-collecting tchotschke and ain't worth nothing.  If you were hoping to take it to the Roadshow and that it would be appraised for millions and you'd be on Easy Street, forget it, not happening.  If one of their antique appraisers were to see it, they'd laugh.  Appraisal $0.  Come on, you need an organizer to come into your home, or are you a hoarder?  By the way, do you remember that old episode where someone brought in an old framed print that was worth nothing and then lo and behold, behind the worthless print the appraiser found a rare and valuable work worth kazillions?  Didn't that seem a little contrived to you, a little coincidental?  Why did the appraiser take the worthless print out of the frame in the first place?  I also always get a kick out of comparing the British and American versions of the show.  On the British version, an old lady brings in something and the appraiser says, "This is a jewel encrusted horn that Queen Mary used to use to hear things.  I appraise it at 250,000 pounds sterling."  "Oh, I'm ever so happy," the old lady says, "I'm jumping for joy."  But she isn't you see, she's just sitting there quite composed, quite calm, so calm that you're almost afraid that she will keel over any moment and hit the floor.  But on the American version, a lady comes in wearing flowery shorts and a paper party hat.  The appraiser says, "This item is worth $12."  The lady, thrilled, jumps up from her chair, blows a whistle that she has removed from the dark recesses of her body somewhere, kisses the appraiser, praises the Lord, sits back down, and proceeds to soil the seat.

Ancestry

Dancing with the Tomato

Barren

Food Netwish

Really, Rachel, I'm sick of hearing "delish," and "nutrish."  What's wrong with "delicious," and "nutritious?"  Too hard for ya?  Anything over two syllables too much for you?  Too tough on the brain, which, granted you don't seem to have much need for, but also too hard for the mouth?  You seem to use that a lot.  I remember those commercials you used to do for Dunkin Donuts.  Reportedly you would dump the Dunkin coffee and fill replace it in the cup with stuff from Starbucks.  Is that why you are no longer doing the Dunkin Donuts commercials?  Dunkin found out?  Like Starbucks better?  Why, have an affinity for attitude with your coffee?  Maybe attitude is contagious.  You got it.

Sunset

Digan lo que digan

When In Rome

Tomato's Eyes

America's Next Top Model

OK, let's see if I have this straight.  This "show" really irritates.  Who are these judges anyway?  Some washed-up former model with a lot of wigs?  A man whose main claim to fame is that he can walk like a woman?  Some former models who are so old that they can no longer fit into their bustles?  Botox and tummy tucks aplenty.  I swear there was one former model who had her face lifted so many times that the cleft in her chin used to be her belly button.  And why is it they have so many former models who can no longer find employment as models who by miracles become photographers?  It takes more than the ability to buy expensive photographic equipment to become a photographer - all the expensive photographic equipment in the world will not give you a jot of talent.  And why should the competing models be judged on their abilities to make glamorous outfits out of ripped up old shmatas that look like they came from the return counter at Target?  Or hold their heads under water, or fly through the air, or set their butts on fire, or make a commercial in flawless Cantonese, or be set loose in the middle of the Ginza with an hour to get to their appointments, and all the while they must smile, always look good no matter what, and never eat so much as a cookie.  Do people employed as models do any of this stuff?
     And what's up with that dialogue near the end?  "I have before me 5 beautiful girls but only 4 beautiful photos.  Whichever beautiful girl's beautiful name I do not beautifully call must immediately return to her beautiful room, pack up her crap, and get the hell outta here."  Who does she think she is?  The queen of California?  Really, Tyra, I had so many hopes for you and now you've disappointed me and made me angry.

The 1950's

Accents

Many years ago, when my mother would order Chinese food to be delivered or even if we were in a Chinese restaurant, she would order in the most horrendous fake Chinese accent.  I was always mortified.  I am sure she got some spit in her hot and sour soup once in a while.  If we went to restaurants of other nationalities, she didn't do it, I have no idea why not.  One day, totally embarrassed, I asked her why she did it.  "Because," she said, "they speak with an accent."   This didn't and doesn't make any sense at all, but it seemed perfectly logical to her.  "Ma," I said, "they may speak with an accent, but they don't hear with an accent."  I had made my point, but she had made hers and for the rest of her life she continued to order Chinese food in a bad Chinese accent, something right out of a racist Jello commercial from the 1960's.  A few years ago I went to a concert in New Jersey with a friend who had an accent.  Tickets for the concert were given free or at a reduced price to organizations of immigrants, the handicapped, charities, and many others.  One woman in the lobby started speaking to my friend and when she heard him respond to her with an accent, she would speak in ever increasing volume.  Finally, exasperated, my friend said to her, "Lady, I have an accent, I'm not deaf."  Another patron at the same concert pointed to a blind woman with a seeing eye dog and a white cane.  She asked me, "What language does she speak?"  "Blindish," I replied. 
Oh, by the way, if you have an accent, especially a Spanish one, it might behoove you to avoid Arizona.

Hydrangea Budding

Beyond Pollution

If you put a few single-celled organisms in a test tube with fresh clean water and some food, they will flourish there for a while.  But the test tube is finite and eventually they or their progeny will die, poisoned by their own waste.  Our beautiful blue mother earth is much like that test tube.  Oh sure, it seems very vast.  But, in the end, it too is finite.  There are limits on our waters, our air, our land.  But we seem determined to poison ourselves and our mother.  Look out into the cosmos, there are many dead planets.  Must we join them?  There are ways to keep the earth fresh and clean.  Are we concentrating our efforts, our intelligence towards that end?  Or are we like those single-celled organisms in that test tube, doing so well in good times but unknowing, uncaring, blind to the inevitable end?  Too many politicians and others in positions of power are really saying the equivalent of "I've got mine, so screw you."  They won't say it out loud of course, not for the public, no.  Maybe they don't even say it to themselves but it is there.  They give so much lip service to loving and caring.  But is it sincere, or just more bull, more poison for our test tube?  Have you seen the TV ads that BP is running?  The ones where their CEO says how sorry he is.  Yeah, well thanks buddy but sorry won't feed the kittycat.  How BP has mounted the largest cleanup in U.S. history?  Yeah, well it's the largest defiling of the Gulf of Mexico in U.S. history too and the "cleanup" is pitiful and inadequate.  Cleaning up your own mess?  Gee buddy, thank you ever so, most grateful I am.  And all the money that BP is spending on TV and other outlets to clean up their image.  Wouldn't it be better spent on cleaning up the Gulf?  This is Beyond Petroleum, this is Beyond Pollution, this is nuts.

Swimming

Tommyto

Leaves

A Little More Hair on My Pizza Please.

Years ago I lived on Staten Island, maybe it's different now, I really don't know. But back then, there were basically only two careers possible on Staten Island. Either you made pizza (this was back in the day when there was no such thing as "white" pizza, so many of my brethren were sacrificed)or you did hair. I suppose if you were really lucky you did both. If you were even luckier, you did both at the same time.

Tomato Discusses a Fine Point of Law

Running with Tomato

Sunflower

Mr. Elvis Head

I heard on the radio yesterday that the company that makes the Mr. Potato Head toy has been granted permission to use Elvis Presley by the owners of that image to make a version of Mr. Potato Head to look like Elvis.  Why?  The first version will have a jump suit.  The radio said that there will also be a version for Christmas where Mr. Elvis Head wears black leather.  Who is going to buy this thing?  Do kids today care enough about Elvis to want him as a Mr. Potato Head?  After all, Elvis permanently left the room nearly 33 years ago.  Would the parents of today's kids be so enamored of the likeness of Elvis that they will be clamoring to buy this toy for their offspring?  Maybe the company that makes the toy is hoping that the grandparents will want to buy them.  I am also wondering if Elvis were alive today, would he want his image on a Mr. Potato Head?  Are those who have the right to the image so desperate for money that they would lend Elvis to this thing?  Of course, if they want to use my image to make a Mrs. Tomato Head, I would make it available for very little.

Saving Tomato

Madame Tomato