Antiques Crapshoot

You know that old "heirloom" that your grandmother stole from an old neighbor when he was on his deathbed?  Then you took it from granny when she was crapping out (kleptomania runs in your family, doesn't it?).  Poor granny, she never even had a bucket list let alone do anything on it.  Of course, there was the time that she had planned to fly across The English Channel using one of her old pair of bloomers as a balloon.  Luckily (or unluckily depending on your point of view), it didn't work, she couldn't get enough lift.  Anyway, I've digressed away from the "objet d'art."  The one you've been carefully guarding ever since.  Well, get rid of it, it's just a dust-collecting tchotschke and ain't worth nothing.  If you were hoping to take it to the Roadshow and that it would be appraised for millions and you'd be on Easy Street, forget it, not happening.  If one of their antique appraisers were to see it, they'd laugh.  Appraisal $0.  Come on, you need an organizer to come into your home, or are you a hoarder?  By the way, do you remember that old episode where someone brought in an old framed print that was worth nothing and then lo and behold, behind the worthless print the appraiser found a rare and valuable work worth kazillions?  Didn't that seem a little contrived to you, a little coincidental?  Why did the appraiser take the worthless print out of the frame in the first place?  I also always get a kick out of comparing the British and American versions of the show.  On the British version, an old lady brings in something and the appraiser says, "This is a jewel encrusted horn that Queen Mary used to use to hear things.  I appraise it at 250,000 pounds sterling."  "Oh, I'm ever so happy," the old lady says, "I'm jumping for joy."  But she isn't you see, she's just sitting there quite composed, quite calm, so calm that you're almost afraid that she will keel over any moment and hit the floor.  But on the American version, a lady comes in wearing flowery shorts and a paper party hat.  The appraiser says, "This item is worth $12."  The lady, thrilled, jumps up from her chair, blows a whistle that she has removed from the dark recesses of her body somewhere, kisses the appraiser, praises the Lord, sits back down, and proceeds to soil the seat.