My Abstract Lips

Unemployment Insurance

For any Senators and Representatives who think that the extension of unemployment benefits will prevent people from looking for work, perhaps they should be unemployed without benefits, without pensions, and certainly no healthcare.  As they say, it's a matter of principle.  And we all know how principled politicians are.

Impressionism

Bridezilla

Do these brides really exist or are they creations of TV?  Normally the program begins with the bride showing her bridesmaids and mother making the favors that they will give to the honored guests.  The favors that they are working on are plastic shot glasses decorated with glued-on glitter, a magenta dyed ostrich feather, a plastic flower, and a temporary tattoo.  The bride is scolding her wedding party for being two hours late when they all knew what time they were supposed to be there and also knew how busy she is.  She is unaware that the majority of her bridesmaids and her mother and sisters have never learned to read time.  The bride is beautifully dressed - in shorts, a mens tshirt from Old Navy that is emblazoned with a design warning you to stay away from women like her, a rhinestone tiara from the Party Store, and a small white veil because she is modest.  She is not wearing shoes at the moment, but we can see that her toenails have been done each in a different color.  They are a bit short but she has not chewed them in weeks.  She screams at the groom, with whom she has been living for 6 years, to change his clothes as there is no way she is going to be seen with a slob like that (this man is obviously an escapee from a mental home or a prison or both).  Tiring of decorating the shot glasses, our bride orders the bridesmaids to get into their dresses.  Next we see six ugly women squeezed into horrid lavender satin dresses with orange belts.  The bride picked the dresses.  The bride who needs to get on a livestock scale in order to be weighed, yells at the bridesmaids that they have all gained too much weight to fit into their lovely creations.  Luckily she has missed the fact that bridesmaid #2 has smeared her dress with oil stains from the 3 lbs of popcorn that she ate (or was it the oil change she just did on the bride's jeep?).  But to be honest the bride is very happy with the new sneakers that the bridesmaids will wear at the wedding because they are all the same shade of brown and our bride likes matchy-matchy. 
Next morning we see the bride in her truck driving to the mall.  She is on her rhinestone-studded cell phone telling someone not to dare show up at her wedding or she will have them arrested for trespassing (I didn't even know that welfare paid for cell phones).  She runs into the Penney's, tries on her $79 wedding gown, notices that it has a dark coffee stain (much like her tooth) and tells the alteration department that if they don't fix it by tomorrow when she is getting married, she will beat the crap out of them and any customers that might be in the store.  Then she runs next door to the $5 Fluff and Dry to get her mullet trimmed for the wedding.  Apparently the groom, his mother, all the bridesmaids, and the mother of the bride go there too as they all sport the same mullet.
Finally it's the day of the wedding.  We see the bride running into the VFW post that she has rented for the wedding.  She is followed by her mother who is carrying the gown and dragging it on the ground and through a muddy puddle.  The bride screams at her mother to watch it.  "This is my day," she says, "it's all about me and you're just jealous like always."  "To hell with you," the mother replies, "I'm not going to your damn wedding, it's the 7th one anyway."  One of the bouncers that the bride has hired to keep unwanted riff-raff out of the wedding tackles the mother, throws her to the ground and kicks her in the head.  The bride then tells her unconscious bleeding mother, "Get the hell outta here, I never wanted you here anyway."  She rushes, breathless, into the venue.
In the final scene, we see the happy couple, and the minister, still in his robes as an Imperial Wizard of the Klan.  "Go," he tells them, "and may the love, grace, and mercy of Christ always be with you."

Two Hearts

What to do when cheese goes bad

Did you notice some cheese in your fridge going bad?  A colorful spot of mold, fluffy even?  Then here is the solution to your problem.  Take a sharp knife (utilizing utmost care not to hurt yourself - and kids should not do this) and cut off and discard the bad part.  Then throw the remainder away.

The Natural Look

Platinum Weddings

I think there is something obscene about people willing to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a wedding when so many are without enough food, clean water, decent shelter and clothing, healthcare, legal employment, etc.  My mind is boggled to see this program where the bride and groom are brought to the wedding venue on the back of an elephant, or in a coach like the one that Cinderella used to go to the prince's ball.  Thousands are spent on the flowers, and the centerpieces are even more.  Special lighting befitting Disney or a Broadway spectacular are added to the venue for a few hours.  The wedding dress costs $20,000 or more, jewelry for the bride and groom can cost a quarter of a million and up, fireworks launched (maybe this serves the groom's need for Viagra).  Linens for the tables must be new and will never be used again.  Orchestras and famous singers entertain.  The rehearsal dinner can cost in excess of $50,000.  On and on it goes, budgets reach half a million at least, I am thoroughly nauseated.  What a pity that obscene amounts of money don't seem to buy taste.  Couldn't they just save all this and donate instead to a worthwhile charity?  Why doesn't the happy couple just get a couple of paper bags from a supermarket and cover their faces?  It would be so much more appropriate.

Mountains

Cedar Tree Stump

Flowers in the Sky

It's Free! Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling

Did you ever see those ads on TV for some loathesome product available at a ridiculous price for crap that say "But wait, order in the next 15 minutes and we'll double your order, just pay separate shipping and handling?"  Order in the next 15 minutes?  Some of the ads have run for years.  And still the offers miraculously remain. "Order now and we'll send you a free can-opener, a free ointment to get rid of your wrinkles, a free bottle of deodorant for wherever, a free can of furniture polish, and our new socks or hose that flatter your feet while you wear them for absolutely nothing.  Well, nothing in the world is free.  Even if they tell you that you are getting $199 worth of merchandise for free, very generous they are.  Tell ya what, ad people, just send me the free stuff, keep the other crap for yourself.

Pier

Swept Under the Rug

I have a friend, someone who owns a small business that has a few employees, who always ignores problems and confrontations because, he says, he is "not good" at it.  If some of his employees get "into it," as is almost inevitable eventually where people are stressed, work long hours, are tired, irritated, warm, in each other's company in a small space together for years, even if they scream at each other right across his head, he ignores it.  Pretends it isn't happening, pretends he can't hear it.  To my way of thinking, this simply isn't right.  No one is "good" at it, but problems never die of old age nor neglect.  They fester, ignored they multiply.  Problems swept under the rug do not go away because one doesn't see them.  They build up to make a lumpy rug and, sooner or later, one trips over the lumps.  Everyone has problems.  Distasteful as it might be, one must confront them and deal with them, I know of no other way to make them go away.

That Car Sign

This car sign is 5 inches X 5 inches,vinyl and with a suction cup, and can be delivered postage prepaid to your U.S. address for $17.95 in approximately 3 weeks from the time you order.  Shipping to other countries can be done and quoted.  Payment by Paypal.

Norman Rockwell's View of America

Personally, I love the works of Norman Rockwell.  I think his views of America, especially the works produced on the covers of the Saturday Evening Post helped to lift the spirits of Americans in some of the gloomiest and darkest moments.  I am sorry that more museums and curators do not seem to appreciate what a master he was.  But I am driven to ponder why Americans seek to re-create Rockwell's view of the country and its people (what Bush called "homeland"- super yuck, projectile vomiting).  Rockwell staged poses of New England Americans in the last century.  I don't know if his images ever really existed outside of his mind (for most of them, I doubt it) but in any event they are not the America of today.  Why can't we have images of America and Americans as they exist, in reality, today?  I want to see images of the day.  I want to see the reality of the day, beautiful or ugly, whatever, it doesn't matter to me if it is the truth.  I want to see the abstractions too, that Americans of today create.  Honor the past, yes absolutely, eagerly anticipate the future, but by all means acknowledge today.

Clouds

Water's Edge

Legendary Tomato On Board

Back in the mid-1980's, drivers started putting those suction-cup-held yellow caution signs in their cars, especially those that said "Baby On Board."  From there, there were bunches of spin-off caution signs displayed in cars, things like "Mother-In-Law On Board," "Old Fart On Board," "Labrador Retriever On Board," "Persian Cat On Board," "Bored on Board," etc.  They really made me sick, but finally, like all fads, they thankfully faded away.  Lately however, the "Baby On Board," sign has made a reappearance, a resurgence in fact.  It didn't make sense to me back in the '80's and it doesn't make sense to me now.  What does it mean?  Drive cautiously because a baby is on board?  I am all in favor of babies, love 'em in fact, but shouldn't we always exercise caution when driving no matter who is on board?  If we put "Baby On Board" on a caution sign inside of a car does that mean if there is no baby or no sign, it is okay to drive like a nut?  No baby here, go ahead and crash into me?  No baby, ok to exceed the speed limit?  No baby, go through stop signs and red lights?  No baby, no insurance?  No baby, pedestrian beware?  It didn't make sense back then and doesn't make sense now.  I think when getting behind the wheel you must always use caution, obey the law, have respect for the vehicle you are driving and what it is capable of doing.
Unless, of course, you spot a caution sign in a car that says, "Legendary Tomato On Board," then drive even more carefully.  Hmmm, I have an idea.

Boardwalk

Tulip

Politicians

I am beginning to wonder if "politician" is the definition of unprincipled liar.  A few weeks ago, on a Sunday, I was watching a pair of politicians discuss their "viewpoints" on the Elena Kagan nomination to be a Justice on the Supreme Court of the United States of America.  One of these "gentlemen" was in favor of the nomination, the other opposed.  After each had his say, the reporter correctly stated that each of them said exactly the opposite of what they were now saying, when another President from another party nominated someone else to the Court.  Whatever happened to principles?  Shouldn't politicians vote their actual consciences, assuming they have consciences?  Must they simply follow the line of their respective parties?  Money rules politics, pure and simple.  Is it patriotic to simply oppose the President and whatever he does, regardless of what it is?  If politicians just follow the line of their parties, why do we need them?  Get the viewpoints of the parties and dispose of the need for the politicians.  Dump 'em, who needs the politicians if they are a mindless lot, afraid to avow a single individual thought.  It would go a long way to reducing the deficit.  No wonder the Senate adjourned for the Holiday without extending unemployment benefits for the millions on the verge of losing them.  And they had the nerve to talk about their principles.  What principles?  Millions on the verge of losing their unemployment benefits, and these honorable "ladies and gentlemen" who have jobs paying around $175,000 and who have lifetime health benefits adjourned and went home.  Very principled.  What was it that Marie Antoinette said about cake? 

Details

Patriotism

It seems to me that patriotism involves much more than flying the flag of your nation.  Flying the flag is easy, patriotism is not always so easy as flying a flag.  It makes me laugh when I am in America to see the American flag on cars not made in America.  Don't misunderstand, I have nothing against cars made in countries other than America.  By all means, if another country's cars are made better, cost less, are more fuel efficient, etc., great, Americans should purchase and drive them.  I just don't understand why some buy these cars and then fly the American flag on them or put American flag decals on them or the like.  Purchasing, or leasing, or otherwise obtaining a car made in Japan, or in Korea, or in Germany, etc., and then putting the American flag on it, does not make that auto suddenly American nor does that flag flying make you a patriot.  If you drive a Japanese, or Korean, or German car, great, no protest from me, but why all the flags from your country?  I am not advocating flying a Japanese flag on a Japanese built auto, it is a flag all by itself.  I think if you are a patriot, you do your best to uphold the principles stated in the documents that established your nation.  In America, those principles are equality, the right to life, to liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  Separation of church and state, freedom of thought and speech, and so many more that can all be gathered under the title of  "Freedom."  Upholding those principles is much more difficult than blind flag-flying.  But, to paraphrase President Kennedy, we must choose to do those things because they are hard not because they are easy.

Wake Up Call

I SEE YOU

Tomato Helps to Electrify the Farms

Ghost Hunters

So here's my snarky synopsis of this little gem and its various TV imitators.  Very often the founding investigators are at their day jobs as Roto-Rooter plumbers when they get a call to go on an investigation.  Luckily and by sheer coincidence there are cameras and sound equipment right there when they get the calls.  They are always wrapping up their plumbing work so that they can appear at the ghost investigation office shortly.  This too is coincidental.  In spite of the TV work, which I assume is fairly lucrative, especially considering the spinoffs like  "International," and "Academy," and I also assume sales from t-shirts and magazines since they are subliminally shown always, the founders are still plumbers. Next they appear driving to the scene of their next investigation.  As they get close to the scene of their next paranormal investigation, they always ask the woman who has manned the phones at their headquarters for more information about the reports of "activity."  You mean they have driven hundreds or even thousands of miles before having all the information?  Wow.  Luckily and by concidence too, that also brings the viewers up to date on the reports.  Then they visit the creepy place,introduce themselves to the owner, say "we're here to help (help what? help themselves to a great contract to appear on cable?), listen to the reports, and set up their equipment.  One of their lead investigators is covered in tattoos, is deathly afraid of spiders, and is also afraid to fly.  Afraid of spiders but not afraid of ghosts?  Holy mackerel.  In almost every one of the creepy places there are reports of a lady dressed in white who floats down the stairs.  Except when they went to Florida to investigate a Cuban club.  They had a lady dressed in white but she was wearing red shoes.  After all she was the spirit of a Cuban lady and apparently ethnic stereotypes exist even in the next world.  The investigators use thermal imaging cameras, emf detectors, and various recording devices.  It's all quite sophisticated.  After viewing tapes of what they did, they report back to the owners of the creepy places.  They sit at a table and the heavy guy always says, "You know what we did.  We came here, listened to the reports of activity, set up our equipment..........."  It never varies.  By the way, they often come upon "cold spots," in the course of their investigations.  One of the investigators always explains that "there is a theory out there that when one of these spirits wants to manifest itself, it needs energy..." and apparently creates cold spots, drains batteries of their power, etc.  I have several questions.  What does it mean to say there is a theory out there?  Out where?  Whose theory?  If a spirit needs energy to manifest itself, and they got it, then why haven't they manifested?  Is there a theory out there on that? Anyway, back to the table where the investigators are reporting.  They always have a computer, then we see them leave the places, no computer.  What happened to the computer?  Maybe the spirits took it.  So that they could manifest themselves.  That's my theory.  The investigators always express their hope that they can get back to the creepy place one day.  They are always invited to come back, but they hardly ever do.  Then we see the lead guys back in their vans, congratulating each other on a great investigation and fist bumping.
I think any self-respecting spirit would steer far clear of this stuff.

Guppy