My Abstract Lips

Unemployment Insurance

For any Senators and Representatives who think that the extension of unemployment benefits will prevent people from looking for work, perhaps they should be unemployed without benefits, without pensions, and certainly no healthcare.  As they say, it's a matter of principle.  And we all know how principled politicians are.

Impressionism

Bridezilla

Do these brides really exist or are they creations of TV?  Normally the program begins with the bride showing her bridesmaids and mother making the favors that they will give to the honored guests.  The favors that they are working on are plastic shot glasses decorated with glued-on glitter, a magenta dyed ostrich feather, a plastic flower, and a temporary tattoo.  The bride is scolding her wedding party for being two hours late when they all knew what time they were supposed to be there and also knew how busy she is.  She is unaware that the majority of her bridesmaids and her mother and sisters have never learned to read time.  The bride is beautifully dressed - in shorts, a mens tshirt from Old Navy that is emblazoned with a design warning you to stay away from women like her, a rhinestone tiara from the Party Store, and a small white veil because she is modest.  She is not wearing shoes at the moment, but we can see that her toenails have been done each in a different color.  They are a bit short but she has not chewed them in weeks.  She screams at the groom, with whom she has been living for 6 years, to change his clothes as there is no way she is going to be seen with a slob like that (this man is obviously an escapee from a mental home or a prison or both).  Tiring of decorating the shot glasses, our bride orders the bridesmaids to get into their dresses.  Next we see six ugly women squeezed into horrid lavender satin dresses with orange belts.  The bride picked the dresses.  The bride who needs to get on a livestock scale in order to be weighed, yells at the bridesmaids that they have all gained too much weight to fit into their lovely creations.  Luckily she has missed the fact that bridesmaid #2 has smeared her dress with oil stains from the 3 lbs of popcorn that she ate (or was it the oil change she just did on the bride's jeep?).  But to be honest the bride is very happy with the new sneakers that the bridesmaids will wear at the wedding because they are all the same shade of brown and our bride likes matchy-matchy. 
Next morning we see the bride in her truck driving to the mall.  She is on her rhinestone-studded cell phone telling someone not to dare show up at her wedding or she will have them arrested for trespassing (I didn't even know that welfare paid for cell phones).  She runs into the Penney's, tries on her $79 wedding gown, notices that it has a dark coffee stain (much like her tooth) and tells the alteration department that if they don't fix it by tomorrow when she is getting married, she will beat the crap out of them and any customers that might be in the store.  Then she runs next door to the $5 Fluff and Dry to get her mullet trimmed for the wedding.  Apparently the groom, his mother, all the bridesmaids, and the mother of the bride go there too as they all sport the same mullet.
Finally it's the day of the wedding.  We see the bride running into the VFW post that she has rented for the wedding.  She is followed by her mother who is carrying the gown and dragging it on the ground and through a muddy puddle.  The bride screams at her mother to watch it.  "This is my day," she says, "it's all about me and you're just jealous like always."  "To hell with you," the mother replies, "I'm not going to your damn wedding, it's the 7th one anyway."  One of the bouncers that the bride has hired to keep unwanted riff-raff out of the wedding tackles the mother, throws her to the ground and kicks her in the head.  The bride then tells her unconscious bleeding mother, "Get the hell outta here, I never wanted you here anyway."  She rushes, breathless, into the venue.
In the final scene, we see the happy couple, and the minister, still in his robes as an Imperial Wizard of the Klan.  "Go," he tells them, "and may the love, grace, and mercy of Christ always be with you."

Two Hearts

What to do when cheese goes bad

Did you notice some cheese in your fridge going bad?  A colorful spot of mold, fluffy even?  Then here is the solution to your problem.  Take a sharp knife (utilizing utmost care not to hurt yourself - and kids should not do this) and cut off and discard the bad part.  Then throw the remainder away.

The Natural Look